Seven Month Slump
Seven.
The numbered month when I hit rock bottom.
Don't fear. There's hope here. The only place to go when you're at the bottom is up.
I don't want this post to be a discouragement -- rather, I hope that it's an encouragement.
I've sat down a number of times in the last several weeks to write this. I've erased and started over. I've closed my computer and had to walk away. I've thought about what I would say. How do I share all of the things that I've experienced in the last month? It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can step back and say..."God is good. He is faithful. This is what I'm learning."
So here it is...
The end of month seven was a struuuuuugle. A struggle that unfortunately spilled over into month eight. I think that the heart of my roller coaster can be summarized most simply in these words: Transition. Lonely. Homesick. Selfish. Satan.
Let me explain.
Transition.
My last blog post explained some of the transitions I would be facing this spring (new roommate, more responsibilities, etc.). I by no means want anyone to think that these transitions are bad or that they haven't gone well. But a transition is change -- and change is hard. Sometimes harder than you ever expected. These transitions have led to some very meaningful, intentional conversations about how to live life here and for me to realize some things about myself. Some of those conversations weren't easy and they forced me into the "tough stuff" of friendship. But God is faithful and present in those conversations and guided them in the direction He planned.
Lonely.
I have felt extra lonely the last several weeks here. [I think anyone who lives in Haiti would tell you that you go through seasons of loneliness due to a myriad of circumstances.] I hadn't seen anyone from home in three months, changes were taking place and I just felt alone. Let me tell you. Satan uses that to his advantage.
Homesick.
I've learned that I have about three good months in Haiti before I need to see home (someone comes here to visit) or be home. I was at the tail end of three months, knowing my dad was coming to visit in a few weeks, but those 18 days were dragging on. My dad did come and it was a refreshment. (We built chicken coops and spent two days on the beach. Also, I'm tan. My dad even said so; and if he noticed, then you know it's for real.) I needed it. I needed real-life daddy hugs. I needed a taste of home both literally and in general. (He brought sausage and thin mints and my heart was thrilled.)
Selfish.
This word took me a little while to figure out and peel back all the layers to get to the core of it. Through all of my emotions and things I was combating, I was mad at myself for how I was feeling. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I didn't want to feel the way that I felt, but I did, but I didn't want to. That added a whole different level of emotion to the emotion I was already feeling. Finally, one tear filled night I had an epiphany -- I was being selfish. I didn't think enough attention or consideration was being thrown my way -- selfish. Things weren't going how I expected or maybe wanted them to -- selfish. It's not to say that some of the emotions and things I was battling weren't valid or didn't need to be addressed...but at the very root of it...the magnitude to which I was feeling, was selfish. And guess what? It's not about me. Or you. It's about God.
Satan.
Satan is the root of all four of these other words. He exploits. He's a weasel. He lies. He disguises himself. He's. The. Worst. The truth of the matter is, I bought into his lies. I started to believe the things he tried to convince me. And when you start down that path, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize just how much of a hold he got on you. But Satan doesn't win.
So how in the world did I navigate all of this?
Well, there were a lot of tears, a lot of serious conversations, some yelling at God, some more tears, some journaling, some very insightful and encouraging people, some worship music, some Bible reading, and some time just sitting in the quiet listening for God.
I've been up and down and all around the last few weeks. None of it has been easy. But the thing is...God is faithful. Never once through all of this did He walk away. He was right there crying with me. Even when I didn't (and still don't) understand why certain things happen, I can rest in His truth that He is going to work all things out for my good. It may not be for the good that I think I need, but it will be for the good He knows I need. Now, it would have been great if I came to this peace the first day I struggled, but we're human and we aren't always quick learners. And let's be honest. sometimes it's hard to buy into the truth because you're so deep in lies. But when you sit and rest and listen and read and tell yourself over and over. HE IS FAITHFUL -- you start to see it. You can see the hand of God working in your very life.
In the last few weeks I've learned so much about who I am, what I need. That's not to say I have it all figured out, because believe me - I don't. I'm very much still taking in some of these lessons. But I've also learned to be confident in who I am and that's it's okay to have and share your emotions. (I don't always have to be the "strong girl who's got it all together. I'm a girl. We have emotions. That's life.) I've learned that you can be pretty blunt in your prayers to the Lord -- and He's faithful to answer. I'm learning to sit and listen. It's not always easy -- life is loud, but to block it all out and wait...you can hear Him. I'm learning that I'm not alone. Ever. I have one constant companion and He's the only one that can fill me the way I need to be filled.
So, if you're walking through a valley (I'm by no means quite out of mine yet) -- Don't give up. Cling to the Lord. Sit. Wait. Listen. Abide. He is faithful and He will give you what you need.
The other great thing about God is that sometimes He sends you the people that you need to walk through a valley and to guide you and help to hold you accountable.
So...
Holden and Katie...thanks for being patient with me as we all navigate this transition.
Cody and Brandon...thanks for being the best brothers prepared with the words of encouragement that I needed to hear.
Jodee and Lizzy...thanks for reading and responding to the chapter book texts that you've received the last few weeks and dropping the immense load of work you had to do one night to FaceTime and help me to break down my emotions, plan next steps and hold me accountable.
Blair...thanks for being you. We compliment each other better than I could have imagined. I miss you work bestie.
Mom and Dad...thanks for just listening to the good, the bad, and the ugly. You get to hear all parts.
And thanks to everyone who I know prays for and supports me. Your prayers matter. Don't stop.
It's been a tough month, but May is coming, God is faithful, and I'm going to be stronger on the flipside.
Lots of love,
Caitlin
The numbered month when I hit rock bottom.
Don't fear. There's hope here. The only place to go when you're at the bottom is up.
I don't want this post to be a discouragement -- rather, I hope that it's an encouragement.
I've sat down a number of times in the last several weeks to write this. I've erased and started over. I've closed my computer and had to walk away. I've thought about what I would say. How do I share all of the things that I've experienced in the last month? It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can step back and say..."God is good. He is faithful. This is what I'm learning."
So here it is...
The end of month seven was a struuuuuugle. A struggle that unfortunately spilled over into month eight. I think that the heart of my roller coaster can be summarized most simply in these words: Transition. Lonely. Homesick. Selfish. Satan.
Let me explain.
Transition.
My last blog post explained some of the transitions I would be facing this spring (new roommate, more responsibilities, etc.). I by no means want anyone to think that these transitions are bad or that they haven't gone well. But a transition is change -- and change is hard. Sometimes harder than you ever expected. These transitions have led to some very meaningful, intentional conversations about how to live life here and for me to realize some things about myself. Some of those conversations weren't easy and they forced me into the "tough stuff" of friendship. But God is faithful and present in those conversations and guided them in the direction He planned.
Lonely.
I have felt extra lonely the last several weeks here. [I think anyone who lives in Haiti would tell you that you go through seasons of loneliness due to a myriad of circumstances.] I hadn't seen anyone from home in three months, changes were taking place and I just felt alone. Let me tell you. Satan uses that to his advantage.
Homesick.
I've learned that I have about three good months in Haiti before I need to see home (someone comes here to visit) or be home. I was at the tail end of three months, knowing my dad was coming to visit in a few weeks, but those 18 days were dragging on. My dad did come and it was a refreshment. (We built chicken coops and spent two days on the beach. Also, I'm tan. My dad even said so; and if he noticed, then you know it's for real.) I needed it. I needed real-life daddy hugs. I needed a taste of home both literally and in general. (He brought sausage and thin mints and my heart was thrilled.)
Selfish.
This word took me a little while to figure out and peel back all the layers to get to the core of it. Through all of my emotions and things I was combating, I was mad at myself for how I was feeling. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I didn't want to feel the way that I felt, but I did, but I didn't want to. That added a whole different level of emotion to the emotion I was already feeling. Finally, one tear filled night I had an epiphany -- I was being selfish. I didn't think enough attention or consideration was being thrown my way -- selfish. Things weren't going how I expected or maybe wanted them to -- selfish. It's not to say that some of the emotions and things I was battling weren't valid or didn't need to be addressed...but at the very root of it...the magnitude to which I was feeling, was selfish. And guess what? It's not about me. Or you. It's about God.
Satan.
Satan is the root of all four of these other words. He exploits. He's a weasel. He lies. He disguises himself. He's. The. Worst. The truth of the matter is, I bought into his lies. I started to believe the things he tried to convince me. And when you start down that path, sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize just how much of a hold he got on you. But Satan doesn't win.
So how in the world did I navigate all of this?
Well, there were a lot of tears, a lot of serious conversations, some yelling at God, some more tears, some journaling, some very insightful and encouraging people, some worship music, some Bible reading, and some time just sitting in the quiet listening for God.
I've been up and down and all around the last few weeks. None of it has been easy. But the thing is...God is faithful. Never once through all of this did He walk away. He was right there crying with me. Even when I didn't (and still don't) understand why certain things happen, I can rest in His truth that He is going to work all things out for my good. It may not be for the good that I think I need, but it will be for the good He knows I need. Now, it would have been great if I came to this peace the first day I struggled, but we're human and we aren't always quick learners. And let's be honest. sometimes it's hard to buy into the truth because you're so deep in lies. But when you sit and rest and listen and read and tell yourself over and over. HE IS FAITHFUL -- you start to see it. You can see the hand of God working in your very life.
In the last few weeks I've learned so much about who I am, what I need. That's not to say I have it all figured out, because believe me - I don't. I'm very much still taking in some of these lessons. But I've also learned to be confident in who I am and that's it's okay to have and share your emotions. (I don't always have to be the "strong girl who's got it all together. I'm a girl. We have emotions. That's life.) I've learned that you can be pretty blunt in your prayers to the Lord -- and He's faithful to answer. I'm learning to sit and listen. It's not always easy -- life is loud, but to block it all out and wait...you can hear Him. I'm learning that I'm not alone. Ever. I have one constant companion and He's the only one that can fill me the way I need to be filled.
So, if you're walking through a valley (I'm by no means quite out of mine yet) -- Don't give up. Cling to the Lord. Sit. Wait. Listen. Abide. He is faithful and He will give you what you need.
The other great thing about God is that sometimes He sends you the people that you need to walk through a valley and to guide you and help to hold you accountable.
So...
Holden and Katie...thanks for being patient with me as we all navigate this transition.
Cody and Brandon...thanks for being the best brothers prepared with the words of encouragement that I needed to hear.
Jodee and Lizzy...thanks for reading and responding to the chapter book texts that you've received the last few weeks and dropping the immense load of work you had to do one night to FaceTime and help me to break down my emotions, plan next steps and hold me accountable.
Blair...thanks for being you. We compliment each other better than I could have imagined. I miss you work bestie.
Mom and Dad...thanks for just listening to the good, the bad, and the ugly. You get to hear all parts.
And thanks to everyone who I know prays for and supports me. Your prayers matter. Don't stop.
It's been a tough month, but May is coming, God is faithful, and I'm going to be stronger on the flipside.
Lots of love,
Caitlin
Comments
Post a Comment